Cousin
I am writing this letter in memory of my cousin's son Aiden. Two years ago today (July 10, 2007) we lost Aiden after he fought twenty-eight days with CHD. Every day I remember Aiden and cherish close to my heart a bracelet made of the flowers from Aiden's casket.
I will never forget the first phone call I got, knowing something was wrong. My aunt (Aiden's grandma) had called the house asking for my mom, who is nurse, to call her as soon as possible. I sensed something was wrong by the urgency in my aunt's voice and as soon as my mom came home I told her about the call. After calling my aunt, my mom and I learned that my cousin's baby had a heart condition known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. My mom worked to get my aunt, my cousin, and my cousin's husband to Boston Children's Hospital in February 2007 where they tried to open Aiden heart value while he was still in utero. The attempts were unsuccessful. For the next few months, I waited for Aiden to be born and on June 12, 2007 he was born at the University of Michigan. Aiden had open heart surgery when he was a few days old. While at my college orientation on July 5 2007, I found out that Aiden was doing great and that he got to go home. Five days later, my whole world became devastated. I went to work on the day of July 11, 2007 unaware that Aiden had passed away late at night on July 10. When I came home from work, my little brother met me at the door to the house and told me Aiden had died. I didn't believe him. I had to read my cousin's heartbreaking Carepage post to learn the truth for myself.
The next few days were of course, overwhelming. I spent time at the funeral home but also babysat Aiden's big sister and cousins so that they didn't have to spend the whole day at the funeral home. Funeral homes are hard enough for adults, imagine a small child having to be there. On July 14, 2007 we laid Aiden to rest. I cried so hard from the funeral home to the church, all through the funeral service, and again outside at Aiden's gravesite. Aiden's big sister asked me to hold her when we had a gathering after the funeral. Her and I looked at pictures of Aiden and she was telling me everything that was going on in each picture. It was heartbreaking to hear how proud she was to be a big sister at only 2, yet she was so painfully aware that Aiden was gone and she wouldn't get to experience being a big sister to him anymore. It is hard for anyone to understand why a loved one has to die. Before Aiden's death, the only significant lost I had ever had was the loss of my grandfather. Aiden's death however was so much harder to understand because he was just a baby. He was supposed to be a healthy, bouncy baby boy who I was going to watch grow up and babysit. I didn't get to do that.
The days after Aiden's death I was so angry. I didn't understand why God had taken Aiden away from us. It wasn't fair! I struggled with anger because I had never got to see Aiden before he died. I never got to hold him and tell him how much I loved him like I had got to do with his big sister. There was so much I wanted to share with Aiden. In some ways I knew what he was going through. When I was born I twenty-one years ago, I was born with an intestine problem and almost died as well. Maybe that's why I was so angry. I didn't understand why God let me live and Aiden died. We both fought so hard to live but why me and not him. I wanted him to see him grow up and as he did, I could share with him both of our struggles to live. I believe that our personal struggles for survival are what has made Aiden's death so hard on me.
When I come home from college, there are many times when I will go visit Aiden's gravesite. I talk to him, tell him how much I love him and miss him. There was so much we were supposed to share together. I know he is in a better place and doesn't have to suffer, but it is still hard. I will never understand why God took him away from us, but I know Aiden is looking down on me. Instead of me watching him grow, he is watching me grow. Instead of me protecting him, he is protecting me. My biggest regret is that I never got to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. So I encourage everyone to hug their children, spouses, and family members and tell them how much you love them.
Aiden, I love and miss you every day. Just like it said in that poem that was read at your funeral, "Always remember you are not broken just torn between two loves." You were never broken to me and always remember that all of your family and God love you. Thank you for having such an impact on my life. I will never forget you and I am so glad that I can share the story of your life with others. I encourage everyone to help raise awareness for CHD so that a child doesn't have to go through what Aiden had to. By raising awareness, new medical technology can maybe help children with CHD live normal, healthy lives. Please help and thanks from my heart and from Aiden for sharing his life with others.
I Love You and Miss You Aiden!
Love your cousin,
Trista Schroeder